(If You Plan On Hanging Out With Other Guitar
Players)
What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in
common?
They both suck without Cream.
What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
One matures.
What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
Evidently all of them.
What is the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unision.
How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.
How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
Put some sheet music in front of him.
How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say
"Not bad, but I could've done better."
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
His amplifier.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.
What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
Depends on how far you throw it.
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar.
How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How do you know when the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds it and the world revolves around him.
What's the difference between a lead guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither have I.
A man gives his son an electric bass
for his 15th birthday, along with a
coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson,
the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"
"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after
the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son
replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One
week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of
cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's
lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"
A tour manager comes across the
guitarist and bass player fighting at the
side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That
bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And
we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour
manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the
bassist.
Why guitars are better than women:
You can share your guitar with your
friends.
Guitars don't care how many other guitars you've played
Guitars don't care if you look at other guitars.
Guitars don't care if you buy guitar magazines.
Your guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Your guitar never wants a night out with the other guitars.
You can play your guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it
to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
